My Fear

Long time didn't update anything, so just put some update on my blog. Last saturday was a full activities day for me, first is my relative wedding at Sungkai, Perak, second is my church Carnival, then my colleague organize skytrax at Putrajaya and finally one of my uni friend going to Brunei to work and have gathering/ farewell dinner. Among all the activities, i have no choice but have to follow my parent to my relative wedding dinner. Many things happen during carnival such as big prize like sony walkman mp3 player(Not clear the details) and 2 Ipod Nano to be win. Haha like usual good things not belong to me so i didnt have a chance to play and win.

During the wedding dinner, the table that i sat only got 8 peoples so i guess i have a chance to take more on sharkfin soup and yet i did eat for 3 bowls and make my stomach full. The rest of the dishes i just took little because i took 3 bowls of sharkfin soup.

The next day surely go to church for morning worship. As usual i late reach church. That time i feel really tired because saturday night i went home i still watch movie before sleep watch until 1pm. After the bible study just went for lunch with bro and sis in Christ at Cheras Leisure Mall nearby eat Thai food. Im not good at eating spicy food so i order Khao Pat Pattaya (Pattaya Fried Rice) and it taste not bad. The main receipies is tomato, egg, rice and fried rice recepies but i still tasted abit spicy. Haih. Who create this spicy food. I really cant take it.

This morning, i feel more tired but i still have to force myself to wake up and go to work. Suddently my stomach not feeling well and i having diarrhea. Too bad and i have to take MC and rest at home. I take this time to watch movie and rest to recover from my diarrhea. Long time i didnt sleep so much and think something that i never think of. I realize my fear while i sleeping. In the past, sometimes i will fear while sleeping and long time i never feel the same thing again until today. What i fear is I fear "I'm alone". Yes, i can say i have less fear but the greater fear of mine is lonely. I keep on thinking that what would i be when im lonely? the time when i parent pass away, what will happen and how im going to react after that? or all my relative all gone and left me alone? I really fear that i will be lonely that time. Although now i have all of them with me now but i know one day, they will not with me anymore.

I'm still very weak in thinking, in reacting and weak in become a mature and wise person. I still very naive in thinking and making decision. Sometimes i feel lost and sometimes i unable to find any solution on it. Christmas is coming and almost reach year end and new year. The group is going to depart and form another new group. I feel i want to participate in the Christmas sketch but i know myself that im not talented in it and might spoil the whole things. Why i have this feeling being abandon because im not involve in that sketch? Maybe also because im scare im lonely and left behind.

Well tomorrow need to back to work or else i cant finish the task given and cannot celebrate Christmas although i dont have money to celebrate this year. I hope that after this year, new year i will be more strong and brave in facing the future ahead me.

I wanna go to a place

I wanna to a place where I can say
That I'm all right and I'm staying there with you
I wanna know if there could be anyway
That there's no fight, and I'm safe and sound with you

And everytime I look,
I thought you were there,
But it was just my imagination
I don't see it anymore cause I see thru you now

Even now you still haven't noticed this quiet sky
I am always thinking of it, but I can no longer return to there

And I will always be awake in my heart, gently taking notice
That someday I will be able to see kindness

What's stopping me? I get stuck again
Is it really OK? It's never OK for me
What's got into me? I get lost again
Is it really OK? It's never going to be

And I will search harder to realize the things in front of my eyes
Even the wind's direction will surely change tomorrow
The wind whispers gently, the one that moves is the earth
Find the way and I will be able to see kindness

And every time I look,
I thought you were there,
But it was just my imagination
I don't see it anymore cause I see thru you now

I wanna go to a place where I can say
That I'm all right and I'm staying there with you

My heart will go on

Haha. So sudden my heart can feel already. It's already heart broken for many times but now i can feel already. Really wish to start to find life partner but somehow i dont dare to love. Everytimes seems to be fake feeling therefore even now i got feeling on someone, i dont dare to confess. My colleague got encourage me to do whatever I wish to do because life is short and we never know what will happen tomorrow. His words is truth. We never know when our life on earth end. We never know when God will take us go home. Time is near and we should appreciate everyday, everytime we have with one another. My desire to have life partner very strong, but i really dont dare to confess. Maybe she might not be the one God chosen for me. What i can do now is to keep my heart go on and let God lead me.

Some how i still thinking of giving up my life as a Christian because I really lazy to do things and i dont have the capability to make disciples. Im still questioning myself whether who am I and what i should do as a Christian. Even someone got say im sure God choose me to be his children and i also learn from the bible study and know the answer yet im still dump and questioning about my faith. I really long time didnt stop and think. I hope that my heart will go on.

I just think of this words (actually i dont remember the chapter and verse no (T_T)) while im writing this blog

Phi 3:13-14
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I do hope that i can keep on going to win the prize.

Mission Fail

Mission fail already. Too difficult and dont have the skill to do it. Haih.
After this i have to throw all my dream to the sea because only one ambition to follow that is take care of my sister son. I become kao fu already so have to be an example for him to follow. Really taihen desne.

Start Building Phone Bible with multi-language support

Recently got think of build my own phone bible application

Capability
- Support multi-language (currently apply to english first since i dont know how to read chinese. Will try to get support from others)
- Support multi-version (Hope can put all english version first and slowly enhance)
- List of book name at interface there (since the phone screen is small, probably will seperate to two pages)

Tools to develop
- Netbean 6.7.1

Since long time didnt do java programming and i forget how to do it. Dont know where to start and how to start. Take times to learn back. Haih.

Hope can successfully develop it..

My wish!!!!

I wish to see you everyday.

LAZY

Feel very lazy already. Don't know is because getting older and older problem or really i turn to be LAZY. Do i look like really have nothing or dont have good or bad feeling? I still have personal problem actually but i still can control with my simple acting. Wahaha.

This have change a lot but I'm not growing to adapt the situation. This is abnormal to me and also first time cannot adapt things in a short period of time. Do i reach my limit or i just a slow learner?

My heart, my mind and my body really fight with one another. Cannot cooperate together as one like usual. What is my solution to all the things im facing? I guess my spirit is gone or exhaust. What can i do to replenish my spirit? How to get motivate back like in old time? Even i have a feeling of giving up myself. Whatever i've learn, i cant recall. Whatever i've done, is my own strength and doesn't benefit anything.

I'm so doubt about myself. Who am I? I feel that i lost my feeling as well. All the event people are exciting, i just feel like nothing. What can i do to understand every little things? What can i do which really show who i am? I'm just like a wind, when wind blow high, nothing can stop the wind, when no wind blow, it is so calm. I never be firm or harmony wind which blow smoothy that people enjoy the wind.

Am I a weird person? Yes. A person who doesn't know everything at all. A stubborn person and nothing can be done well. One question keep in my mind, i saw many people give up when they walk through study, now isit i will be the same like them giving up something precious? Although i feel nothing about it, i guess people also feel the same thing when the time im giving up.

Wish that everyone will continue to press on towards their goal and achieve the hope they hope for so long.

1st Time!!!

This is the first time, my parent going to see me perform something on stage. The last time i perform dancing is when i was in kindergarden time. My performance very poor that time even now i also the same. Well this Sunday is meet the parent day as my church organize this activities for everyone to bring their parents to church and have an appreciation day. That day i involve in song presentation title "We will Love" is a cantonese translation. My voice not nice all the time and i hope that i can sing better on that day.

My eye seem very weak because always face computer and less rest. I should take care of my eye but some how, i keep on repeat the same things like watch movie until late night at computer. Not only my eye are weak, my body also getting weaker. This happen maybe i didnt exercise often. Need to schedule my time to do exercise.

As for my result, im still cant confirm what i get. Actually for me 1st class or 2nd upper class is not a big different because it just different by 0.01 point. Well for employer maybe they will look at it but i think performance is the best thing to measure a person at work. How knowledge you are might not help you at work if you cant apply it in your work or your life. Similar with a Christian who also need to learn God words, practice it and apply it in our life to show our testimony to people about Christ. Well i'm still long way to go to become that level.

After I start working for two weeks, my colleague ask me what is my dream. I unable to tell him because my dream already achieve and i have no dream currently. You may guess what is my dream then? Well my dream is so simple, when i was in form 5, i want to study form 6 because everyone said form 6 is the difficult study to go. I manage to study form 6 and get good result. Then achieve already. While i study in form 6, i want to study university and get 1st class honor degree. Well i still cant confirm what i will get. Even i didnt get, what i think is i also achieve my dream and i get 1st class honor degree because i already complete the course. For now, i dont have anything to achieve. I dont dare to have dream because i know that i unable to achieve it currently for example a good career, future partner and family. All i just want to do know is to renew my strength and hope to walk in the path that God had set for me.

Finish the race!!!

At last, this morning i can see my result. Before i see it, i really scare that i get bad result. As a result, i get satisfied result only, not the good or brilliant result. I tought that i fail to achieve the goal i set at the beginning of my university (which is 1st class honor degree) but when i scroll to the bottom, i saw 3.500. I nearly fail to get it and i really didn't expect i still can achieve it. Finally i finish my race as a uni student and achieve my goal.

I'm really thankful that during school time with the help from my friends namely Charles, Fang, Zong Ming, Siew Teng (Sehela), Terry, Weng Kee and Hui Xian in assignment, tutorial and exam. I wish that everyone dont feel dissappointed even we get unexpected result because we graduate together.

Although this happiness just for a short moment of time, it is a memorable things and it is our history.

On the way to a Smile

I wish i could smile everday. Either joy or sad, i want to face it with a smile.

Exhaust....

Just after exam straight away go work, i feel tiring. What to do, not enough money to support myself and being force by my mother. Just obey, no harm. Just pass 1 week and I already feel this tiring. I think is because i lack of exercise and didnt sleep much.

My physical body and my spiritual body feel exhaust. Maybe i force myself too much and use up more energy during study and no time to renew my strength. I plan to have rest until camp end then start working but my plan fail. I dont know when i can renew my strength as well as my heart.

My heart dont have any excitement feeling anymore since I fail to attract the one I love. I understand that this world still got people nicer or better than her but my heart still cant move away. Until now i keep on trying to control myself not to like her. I guess, i still not mature enough to handle this problem of mine.

Everything for me seem to be nothing can be done successfully. Until now, i still cant perform the best i can do. Probably because im physically or spiritually weak and my heart some short like not motivated. Hopefully i can recover as soon as possible so that i still can keep moving forward. not just waiting and die.

I always like this words "Life Goes On" because i know that my life is not easy.

Zero and Henri. v(^_^)v

Exam finish

Today exam finish. Still waiting for result. I cant expect what result i could get other than fail. I really cant do anything else.

This year camp confirm cant go. Mother say "CANT GO!!!" so what i can do? I already fight for it. I also plan it clearly what i should do to go camp even i already get the permission to take leave. What wrong with me going to camp. I already cannot stand on stress. I dont even found anything to release other than just work, eat, at home sleep and repeat the same thing over and over again.

I already reach my limit. No more freedom, no more free will. I rather become an Angel even Angel dont have free will. What i prefer that i have a pair of wing and freely fly at the sky.

Final Battle!!!! Ready!!!! GO!!!!!

Three years study in UTAR and now reach the end of the course. Study for so long just to wait this moment to come. This saturday is my first paper and my last paper is on May 4.

Early this year, i always post something negative tought about my study and i already pass that critical moment. Now just left this last exam but i still feel like not enough motivation or encouragement to move on. This feeling is similar to my form 5 situation where last moment i feel like half way no motivation. This time totally no motivation to move on and feel scare and dont know what is the result.

I guess who read this will scold me because i havent begin or havent try, how do i know my result? Well i really hope that i can pass this last exam and hopefully can fulfill my selfish desire to get first class honor degree title. Based on my performance, i dont deserve to archieved it but i will try to get it. Currently i dont have any future dream other than this dream to get 1st class honor degree title. I set this dream during my second semester in UTAR. I guess this is my last dream that i ever dream off.

Will i be able to fight till the end? I wish I can win my old self compare now.

Nevertheless, I hope that everyone same batch with me will archieve good result and found a better job afterwards. Hope to see everyone graduate at the same time.

Managing your wealth

Today sermon talks about managing your wealth (i forget the title but it is similar). As we all know wealth is about money but as christian perspective, wealth not only meant for money, it also meant for talent, ability or the things that belong to us. There is one point really hit me that mistake will cause you fail to manage your wealth. I make an unnecessary contract. Due to this mistake, my parent need to spent RM100++ for the fees for three years and another things is i didn't attend the things that i make contract with. I really fail to manage my wealth and because of my mistake, my parent going to suffer. It is my debt and later i will pay it when i come out to work.

After the sermon, there is a chairing and today is my turn to share something. I didnt prepare well for my message and i just simple stand on the stage and share don't know what and i feel that i really dont have the talent to speak. This is my mistake and i know Deacon didn't blame me on that but i feel really useless because i study so much but unable to share something to benefit others or encourage others.

Beginning of this year, i already feel like unable to perform well in the things that i do. What should i do? Why i turn to be like this? If this continue on, i scare i unable to perform well in my final exam. Im very scare about it. I should renew my strength so that i still have a chance to overcome the problem that i face. I hope that there is an encouragement or motivation to push myself to reach another limit.

Kena Tagged by WK

100 Truths about Me

001. Real name → Ong Wai Sing aka Henri

002. Nickname(s) → Henri, Wai Sing, Sing Yeah.

003. Status → SA (you know la)

004. Zodiac sign → Capricorn

005. Male or female → Male

006. Elementary →SKTaman Segar, SKTaman Muda, SKPandan Indah

007. Middle School → SMK Pandan Indah

008. High School → KTAR
009. Eye color - brown

010. Hair color → black

011. Long or short → short

012. Loud or Quiet → quiet

013. Sweats or Jeans → jeans

014. Phone or Camera → phone

015. Health freak → no

016. Exercise - few

017. Do you have a crush on someone? → yes

018. Eat or Drink → eat

019. Piercings → no

020. Tattoos → no

021. Water or Fire → water (can I put wind?)

022. Love of your life or 4 Billion Dollars → love my life

023. First fear → Worms

024. First best friends → Delon Wong

025. First award → no

026. First crush → forget name joh

027. First love – havent got

028. First pet - Hamser

029. First big vacation – HK, Bangkok

030. First big birthday → 21st birthday at 2006

THIS OR THAT:

[31.] Orange or Apple Juice? - orange

[32.] Rock or Rap? - rock

[33.] Country or Screamo? - country

[34.] N'Sync or Backstreet Boys? - BSB

[35.] Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera? - Britney

[36.] Night or Day?? - day

[37.] Sun or Moon? - moon

[38.] TV or Internet? - internet

[39.] PlayStation or xbox? – PS3

[40.] Kiss or Hug? - hug

[41.] Iguana or Turtle? – ninja turtle

[42.] Spider or Bee? – spiderman
[43.] Fall or Spring? – fall ( why no winter)

[44.] Limewire or iTunes? – limewire (can I prefer others?)

[45.] Basketball or Boxing? - basketball

[46.] Soccer or Baseball? - baseball

[47.] Ballet or Choir? - Choir

[48.] Cheerleader or Athlete? - athlete

CURRENTLY:

049. Eating → Claypot Chicken rice

050. Drinking → shandy

051. Drugs - no

052. I'm about to → do FYP

053. Listening to → songs lo

054. Plans for today → Complete small part of my FYP
055. Waiting for → 10.30 go sleep

056. Busy – ……….
057. Bored - ………..

YOUR FUTURE:

058. Want kids? - sure

059. Want to get married? – YES!!!!!.

060. Careers in mind – AI developer
061. Hire employees - depend

062. Want to be a boss - Maybe

063. Saving money - yes

064. Insurance – got already
065. Send kids to public or private school – private (if I kaya)

066. How many children do you want? – 2 (depend on my future wife)

067. Boy or girl? - 1 boy 1 girl

WHICH IS BETTER WITH GIRL/BOY?

068. Lips or eyes - eyes

069. Fat or thin – thin (why no normal?)

070. Shorter or taller? - taller

071. Dark or fair? - fair

072. Romantic or spontaneous - romantic

073. Nice stomach or nice arms - nice arms

074. Sensitive or loud - sensitive

075. Hook-up or relationship - relationship

076. Sex or make love - make love

077. Trouble maker or hesitant - hesitant

078. Behave or misbehave - behave

079. Touchy or funny - funny

HAVE YOU EVER:

080. Lost glasses/contacts - no

081. Ran away from home - no

082. Hold a gun/knife for self defense - no

083. Killed somebody - no

084. Been Heartbroken - yes

085. Been arrested - no

086. Been raped - no

087. Cried when someone died – almost cry (mother side grandpa)
088. Loose control when angry - sometimes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

089. Yourself → no

090. Miracles → yes

091. Love at first sight – yes

092. Heaven → yes

093. Santa Claus → no

094. Sex on the first date → no

095. Kiss on the first date → no

096. Hold hands on the first date - yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

097. Is there one person you want to be with right now → yes

098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life → no

099. Do you believe in God → yes

100. Post as 100 truths and tag 25 people→ no

Just a little update

Lately seem to be very busy doing FYP, function still not yet done. Just do little little stuff. I never felt like busy till i cant stop and ignore friend chatting. Maybe this time, i really busy.

Semester almost end and i dont have anything to submit especially my project. Im very scare that i cant finish it and submit. My endurance level drop a lot, i cant keep doing it for the long time.

This week i already skip church for 3 days. Haih.

Yesterday, my sis gave birth to a baby boy. Havent give any name but today i fetch my mother to petaling street this morning to get name. That's one of the reason i skip church. I reach there about 9.30 and wait till 11.45 then only done. According to my mother, 9.45 got 3 person waiting and still got a lot of people asking for name and prepare for wedding. Haih, waste many time waiting without doing things.

Lately, my health condition seem very poor. I cant keep myself alert and i almost cause boiled water over boil. Haih.

Too many haih and i dont know what i can do next. Hope I still can push myself to finish this race. Whether i can achieve the result i want or not, i wish i can accept the fact and keep going on. I dont wish to give up anything and i dont want to feel regret anymore. Even i fail, i must not be discourage by it.

Tagged by Hannah

i've tagged:
Hannah
Ritchie
Amy
Carol
Kayson

ps.i think i have done this tag b4 but since i have nthg to do now....i might as well do it again :)
what have you been doing recently?mid term exam.....

do you ever turn your cell phone off?yes, when i cant send sms
what had happened at 10.00am today?fixing computer

when did you last cry?Today about 6 something (almost crying and no tear 1)
believe in fate/destiny?believe in the past

what do you want in your life right now?GRADUATE Yeah!!!!
do you carry an umbrella when it rains,or just put up your hood?umbrella lo.

what's your favourie thing to have on your bed?mattress
what bottom are you wearing now?shorts

what's the nicest text in your inbox say?no such text for a long time
do you tend to make a relationship complicated?simple is better

are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?nope
what was the last movie you caught?high school musical 3

what are you proud of?proud of have a chance to study
what does the oldest message in your inbox says?not remember....

what was the last song you sang out loud?LOW
do you have any nicknames?Sing Yeah

what does you last receive text message say?want to confirm you whether skip whole day or not
what time did you go to bed last night?1 something

are you currently happy?satisfy
who gives you best advice?people around me

do you eat whipped cream straight from the can?eerrrr dono
who did you talk on phone last night?mother

is anyone bugging you right now?nope
what/who was the last thing/person to make you laugh?Wai Loon

do you wear toe socks?no
who was the last person you missed a call from?Mother

have you ever had your heartbroken?yes
what annoys you most in a person?ask question

do you have a crush on anyone?Absolutely yes
have you ever done cocaine?drink coca cola consider or not?

what's the colour of your room?orange
would you kill someone you hate for a billion dollars?NO!!! i dont tend to kill anyone

do you believe in the saying of: talk is cheap?no wo, lawyer talk is expensive
who was the last person to lie in your bed?nobody except me

who was the last person to hug younobody hug me. (T_T)
did anyone see the last person you kissed?no, but a saw people kiss on the escalater

do you have a life?yes, im living now
have you ever think someone died, when they really didnt die?no

what's the reason behind your profile song?no song woh.
who was the last person you saw in your dream?myself lo.

last time you smiled?afternoon
have you changed this year?yes, easy anger, emotion + ing and bla bla bla.

what are you listening right now?squall
are you talking to someone when you're doing this?mother

do you walk with your eyes opened or closed?open la
is there a quote you lived by?life goes on

do you want someone you cannot have?yes
have you ever played an instrument?yeap.frute

what was the worst idea you've had in this week?give up
what are you doing last night at 11pm?watch high school musical 3

are you happy with your love life right now?ok lo
what song best describe your love life?amazing grace

does the person know that you like him/her?yes
who always make you laugh?nobody

do you speak other language other than english?lol cantonese and mandarin can mah?
favourite website(s)?
www.mininova.com
www.sogua.com
www.sogou.com
www.dygod.com
www.youtube.com

what's your middle name?Wai???
what are you doing tomorrow?attending classes

what do you think you are like?myself lo
who will you choose to die with?everyone i know

where have you been today?church
what game do you play often?minesweeper

who are you missing right now?i miss my teenager self
if you have to choose between friend and love,who will you choose?Can i choose God?

what are you doing right nowchatting about coming mid term
which primary school are you from?SK Taman Segar, SK Taman Muda, SK Pandan Indah

name 4 colours that you like?blue,white, pink, purple
what emotion you like to show?hehe

what's your life to you?to live
if you have something troubling you, what will you do?keep to myself

who did you last chat in msn today?Sehela
who do you admire most?Mr Lian

which month are you born in?Dec
how are you feeling right now?tired

what's the time now?9.20pm
what kind of person do you think the one who tagged you is?kind

what colour did you use to dye hair?green
why are you doing this test?sienz

what do you do when you're moody?sleep
at which age you wish to get married?depend

who's more important to you? enemies or friends?enemies and friends
if today is the last day of your life, what will you do?i will bring my parents go eat the best, call
out all the friends that i know and play with them, meet all my relatives houses and go to church and meditate

who's the person you trust the most?my parent
do you believe in seeing a rainbow after a rain?yes

if you have a dream come true, what would it be?give the best life for my parent to enjoy while they still around

what's your goal for this year?GRADUATE yeah!!!
do you believe in eternity love?yes....i do....

what feeling do you love most?fall in love with someone
do you really think it's global warming now?yes

what feeling do you hate the most?angry
do you cherish every single friendship of yours?yup

do you believe in god?YES!!!
who cares for you most?parents and relatives

what do you think is the most important thing in your life?love one another
what will you bring when you fight?bring my leg, because i can run away. wahaha

what have you done regretted doing in your whole life?never study serious when im a kid
what would you feel if no one no longer cares for you?observes surrounding

what if your bf/gf two-times you?dono
how do you feel now?want to start do my stuff

Study never be easy

This semester all the subject seem to be very tough to me as well as FYP. Most of the subject seem to be application more than just definition, adv and disadv, and comparion other than BIIS. My english writing already not good and need to write professional business plan, im not good at it (although i havent try or start it so i never know what is the result). Another subject also need to write professional english which is Computer Law and Ethics. While doing the assignment, i discover that it need a lot of thinking and explanation in order to apply the law from any section in law book. No wonder my friend who study law last time told me that exam is open law books but it also very difficult. Now i understand what he means until lecturer give guideline for the second tutorial question.

There is some technical problem i cant solve it for my FYP application. This is the reason that i really scare because i cant do it in the way that i want. Im not sure i able to finish the FYP on time or not. There is so many event coming on, assignment, exam and saturday and sunday activities. Do i have the ability to complete my job as given to me? How can i makesure i can complete everything? My ability is limited and how do i improve myself within this short period of time. I really hope that I be able to graduate this year and achieve the target i already set. Although for my first motive will never be fulfill but i really wish to break the barrier that my family unable to break.

Tomorrow will be better

One question that people would like to have and ideal thinking, "Tomorrow will be better". Sometimes people may experience that tomorrow, the day after tomorrow is still the same as usual. I believe that phrase really work well on people. Today we might face many difficulties such as pressure at school, work place, house or many other area.

I want to have a better tomorrow. Few week pass, i already experience many things and is time for me to generate antibiotic to overcome it. I dont have to think what pass already pass. Those success or failure in the pass would not be anything special anymore. Last time maybe im a failure and slowly growth up and make things success. What is happened from the pass already pass and it doesnt show that tomorrow what it will be or will success or fail.

Can i stand up and make a counter defends over all the problems that heading to me? I will try it. Either pass or fail, i just leave everything to the people who judge my work.

Task list that things i want to do:
-I want to be active in thinking or action.
-I want to be change in my heart and mind.
-I want to strengthen my body health and endurance.
-I want to study and give my best to finish my studies.

Why?

Yesterday i was doing my assignment and just finish half way and went to sleep. Before go to sleep, i check my computer whether got virus or not. I found my pendrive contains virus and i delete it. I saw similar name virus file appear in my pc then i straight away without doubt delete it.

Today when i try to continue do my assignment, my pc keep restarting. My first impression is Oh No, i didn't backup my work and i find a way to recover it. First i able to recover it but those application i had install before unable to function. Why yesterday mistake cause me today suffer. Is this the lesson i need to learn that i cant make mistake or else i will suffer in future. Many times, what i decide i will regret it although i never give up and at the end i able to walk through it.

This trial really hard for me. It comes from different direction. How im going to handle all? Even myself also discourage myself. Now im formatting my computer and hopefully after i install and use vista, those application i be able to use back. Where my courage go? Where my inner voice go? Where am i going?

Scream!!!!!

No mood to blog. Just to write something because long time didn't update anything.

I feel very depress dono why and somehow i do other things more than the things that i should be complete.

I dont have any confidence in doing things. As you read what i write, my english become poor. I dono what im writing and i dono how to describle my tought, opinion even myself.

I feel inspire when i watch facing the giant and fireproof but after that also turn up to be depress. Whats wrong with me? Why this feeling happened? Am I plan to fail? What i can to in order to gain back my confidence even just a little. Where my motivation in doing things? Why i feel so tired to do things.

Am I giving up myself? Im almost finish my study and come to work. I should be happy because i work hard for 3 years just to reach the goal and finish this race. Why im struggle? what are the things cause me to struggle? Im not a good leader and i unable to lead people because im no confidence and cant even motivate people anymore.

I feel like want to scream!!!!

Today

Today quite boring stay at home. Nothing to do than online n play games. No feel excited to play poker. Become more n more numb.

All the plan is different compare previous year. When we grow older n older, the mood will become so silent. Maybe because of my sis condition that make everyone seem not so joy. Still worry about my sis after marry because she having difficult time with husband n his family there. My sis din get wat she deserve but need to support her husband cuz he dont have much money but yet still spent like when he is single. Still wan his own life rather than new life with my sis.

This is one of the things make me moody n there also my problem around especially my heart. How to lead my heart follow my way rather than follow my heart way? Im stuck at this point and i cant move forward n be mature at another stage. I think i need to find someone to talk n talk everything out so i wouldnt keep it in heart.

CNY record breaking!!!

Hi, Today is first day of CNY. Today event is normally father side relatives gathering. Since my 3rd Pat Liong stay at taman muda, so this year go there and gathering. Today i saw 2nd Gu Mah, 3rd Gu Mah, Siong biu goh and wife with kid, ping piu jeh with bf and Suk Suk with wife and childrens (total 4). Number of people gather become less and less year by year and the environment not so excited like few year past but nevertheless CNY able to meet them is consider happy and still know who they are compare to totally dont meet. So CNY what we do, GAMBLING!!! Wahaha. This year my mood in gambling also not very excited because normally i lose money one but this time, i just play few hours and just win RM 1 only. Good day. After that i bring my Sum Sum (My suk suk wife) with their children go Leisure Mall to walk.

When we reach there, not all shops open and quite boring. So we decided to watch movie. When we want to purchase the tickets, the show start just few minutes. So we quickly bought "All well end well" (Ka Yau Hei Xi 2009) tickets and just go in and watch. We still able to watch on time. Hehe.

The movie really nice and funny. The last part is really the same like old Ka Yau Hei Xi. The different is the people in there some is different only but the show still nice and funny. All the people there laugh very loud. Hehe. Good movie to see in CNY.

After watch movie, we go back to Pat Liong then about 6 something go home and move to next destination. Next destination is 3rd Yi Poh house. Then at there is my mother side retatives gathering. Almost saw most of the relatives, some still not around especially my Kau Fu, big Kau Fu at somewhere and small Kau Fu at Johor. We all enjoy eating and chit chatting together and laugh together. I like this kind of environment. hehe.

So today event just like that. So 2molo event will be continue next day. Happy Chinese New Year. For those read my blog must give me Ang Pow. Wahaha.

Open eyes.

When we are kids, things seem very simple and easy going. As we grow to be teenager, we see more things about the environment. When we grow adult, we see many things like society, relationship, the world and ourself. Life isn't easy and i know it but why life cannot be simple? My current condition is I seem to be look at myself.

Maybe i start to be selfish. I tend to compare myself with others although i know that they got talent and i dont have. How hardwork i do will not surpass them. Maybe myself not put enough effort on it. Relationship for me is simple. Love one another. I also feel jealous that people got girlfriend while they still study and not earn any money. Maybe they got secretly earn it, I dont know. I seem to run away from problem. I face many problem and I din face it with all my heart. Where my heart go? Where my motivation go? Where my stronghold? Where my principles? Many things i din put into heart as the result I dont know how to reach when problems come.

Isit my family get bullied easily? Yet i cant protect my family member from getting bullied by others. I still dont know many things and i seem din concern about it. Who am I actually? Why I dont have a good character attitude? How im going to do wise things, do the things right and do right things? Like a simple decision whether go or not go, i still cant decide and see the important about it. I really turn to be very bad, very selfish that i din care about others anymore other than myself. Things that i feel very weird i will reject it.

I really wan to run away from it like forget all my memory and start over again. Many times i saw people fall out from what they are fighting but i guess this time would be me giving up and drop off. How can I search back the meaning of my life as a child, student, friend or somebody?

Amazing Grace, the best song ever describe how God grace fall on us. God is great and mighty, as a christian, I feel like im not worthy to be his children. Im not talented in any way. I do many wrong things. I didn't keep in heart the verse in the book of life which is the bible. I waste many people effort on me. Can I stand up again? I dont know. As a committee, i should not write something discourage to others but im not a person that will share my personal things to others. Maybe i still have doubt in trusting people. Some i may share before but is just a little matter. I hope that nobody will care what i wrote because it surely not sound nice and not encouraging.

Sick jor.

What to do? i sick jor. Haiz. Just new year and fall sick. Need to take care of my health. If not, later back to school cant concentrate in study. This is my final sem and the last race i will run. Hope that i still able to cope all the studies after so call lazy+ing for 3 months time. So many activities happened recently because become committee already. Can say many things need to do. Im still not adapt to it. I need time to slowly growth.

FYP still not yet touch. Hopefully got inspiration from somewhere or something to make me move to do it. I dont wish to fail or get poor result. I want to bear good testimony to people around me including church friends. I already fail few things and i hope that for those coming things will be successfully done by me if the things is given to me.

Now still feel very sick, feel like wan to shut down myself but temptation arise (especially online and do nothing. haiz). House work still not yet done after my sister married and new year is coming. Need to clean house soon. Hope this year everyone will enjoy getting ang pow from relatives and have good time gathering with family members.

I want to be like my Father

This morning, i feel angry because i received a news that my sister husband treat my sister not good and want to divorce. So my parent will discuss with him during noon time and listen to what he had to say. At first after i listen it, i get angry and think of any reaction i will act if something bad happen like fighting. I think of many way to fight back if i could then it is about time to go to church for worship so i just go and worship on time.

After i think of many possibility, i try to pray to God and ask God how im going to act like a wise man when facing this. Today sermon, Mr Lian got mention 4 points about be completely humble and gentle, be patient and bear with one another with love. At first i dont quite understand how should i apply this 4 points in the situation that i might face until the time happen, my sister husband come and start discuss with my parent. Suddently a voice come from a wise man, my Father.

My Father explain and advise him that start a family is not easy. As a husband and wife, both must talk with one another their problem not just one party keep their problem alone and they must think about another two side feeling and not one side feeling. Somemore my sister pregnant and also must consider the baby as well. My Father also know that my sister husband not a rich man and consider poor person, just enough to survive and my Father explain to him that my Father own experience. My Father also poor at the begining and married my Mother, they also poor. What they do is just keep save money and bear with one another. Any problem will discuss with my Mother and my Mother also will discuss with my Father. My Father same the similar situation with my sister husband but my Father never scold or try to treat my Mother badly. But what my sister husband did is scold my sister, make her cry everytime my sister want to discuss something with him nicely and didn't care my sister feeling.

My Father continue and say he and my sister pak toh already long time and dont know each other well? If during that time my sister husband feel very difficult to get together then why not just break up and just end straight away. No need to continue suffer alone and want to be patient with u. At the end, my sister husband understand and try to change to treat my sister in good manner. Now their problem already solve. I really like my Father the way he talks. Although he keep repeating similar things but yet just to make sure my sister husband really understand.

For my understanding of my Father, my Father not a soft person, He also a hot temper person but when the time he give advise, i really amazed that suddently he talk in gentle and patient manner. He didnt get angry and i feel he really a wise man. Base on what my Father mention before, i understand that why a couple will break up. There are few possibility which is he or she might still selfish thinking on one side only, they might not discuss well their problem and cause many misunderstanding or because they really think that their partner is not suitable. Therefore, we cant really tell if a person is good or bad until we get along (pak toh) or some may be very best friend before they go furtuer.

I want to be like my Father. Now i understand the different between wise man and not wise man. Wise man will handle things in good manner and didn't easily get angry because of something compare to not wise person. I also understand that why im not mature because i havent reach the mature level even though i know how to handle something. About the feeling towards someone, now i think i really can put down. Since long time ago she already said she didn't like me until now. If she didn't like me, nvm, we still friend and bro and sis in Christ. If later she like me then i will feel happy as well but now i know she dont like me so i will let go so that if someone approach to her, she no need to consider whether will hurt me or not. Now i want to remove the barrier so that she also have chance to find her life partner that God plan for her and i also may find my life partner that God plan for me.

New Year!!!

New Year seem doesn't show something good to me. First day, i already sick. Like what my mother always do, she will visit those master who tell about this year fortune. We call it tong sing (in cantonese) something like telling about what we can do this year and what we cant do this year. Well it is true or not, i cant tell because it is already common for me to just know it.

As im expected, i will have not good fortune this year and my mother as well. My father and my sister have good fortune. Though my mother know that she cannot visit to see new born baby house or go eat mun yut dinner but my mother have no choice because my sister pregnant and will gave birth on March. What will happened to my mother? will get sick? i pray that God will sent angels to protect my mother from being disturbed by bad things.

As for me, i predict that nothing good will happen because i accepted Christ and surely Satan wouldn't let me go. From what the master say, i will have hiut gong ji joi (mean might shed blood if im not mistaken) or maybe accident will cause it because im a driver. I pray that whoever follow my car wouldn't involved the bad things i may face. Since now already started sick, i do really hope that it wouldn't affect my study because this is the last chance for me to get things correct.

In my life, i really consider myself a miracle. A person very poor in education still can study in University. Yes, i do put all my effort from form 4 till now yet the things before that i totally forgotten. Im a failure until form 4 and i began to change. I do hope that i can finish my education race and achieve the target that i set. Currently i already achieve it but I havent reach the finish line. After i back to study, i hope that God will be with me and i need all my friends help as well to achieve it. Yet i know that this year is my unfortunate year, i do or i dont believe, i still need to move on. Good things happened is everybody dream of, bad things is not welcome.

This is just my selfish desire, as for my spiritual growth, i do wish that i will change and i need people to encourage me. This year isn't the same like last year still can have fun or honey moon (is a common words that government school principle will said to student after they survive the PMR). For the things that i need to do, i hope that i can complete it although it is not the best i can give but i will try to complete it as command.

Nevertheless, greet all of my family and friends Happy New Year 2009. Muuuuuuuhhhhh (Cow Voice hehe).