Why?

Yesterday i was doing my assignment and just finish half way and went to sleep. Before go to sleep, i check my computer whether got virus or not. I found my pendrive contains virus and i delete it. I saw similar name virus file appear in my pc then i straight away without doubt delete it.

Today when i try to continue do my assignment, my pc keep restarting. My first impression is Oh No, i didn't backup my work and i find a way to recover it. First i able to recover it but those application i had install before unable to function. Why yesterday mistake cause me today suffer. Is this the lesson i need to learn that i cant make mistake or else i will suffer in future. Many times, what i decide i will regret it although i never give up and at the end i able to walk through it.

This trial really hard for me. It comes from different direction. How im going to handle all? Even myself also discourage myself. Now im formatting my computer and hopefully after i install and use vista, those application i be able to use back. Where my courage go? Where my inner voice go? Where am i going?

Scream!!!!!

No mood to blog. Just to write something because long time didn't update anything.

I feel very depress dono why and somehow i do other things more than the things that i should be complete.

I dont have any confidence in doing things. As you read what i write, my english become poor. I dono what im writing and i dono how to describle my tought, opinion even myself.

I feel inspire when i watch facing the giant and fireproof but after that also turn up to be depress. Whats wrong with me? Why this feeling happened? Am I plan to fail? What i can to in order to gain back my confidence even just a little. Where my motivation in doing things? Why i feel so tired to do things.

Am I giving up myself? Im almost finish my study and come to work. I should be happy because i work hard for 3 years just to reach the goal and finish this race. Why im struggle? what are the things cause me to struggle? Im not a good leader and i unable to lead people because im no confidence and cant even motivate people anymore.

I feel like want to scream!!!!

Today

Today quite boring stay at home. Nothing to do than online n play games. No feel excited to play poker. Become more n more numb.

All the plan is different compare previous year. When we grow older n older, the mood will become so silent. Maybe because of my sis condition that make everyone seem not so joy. Still worry about my sis after marry because she having difficult time with husband n his family there. My sis din get wat she deserve but need to support her husband cuz he dont have much money but yet still spent like when he is single. Still wan his own life rather than new life with my sis.

This is one of the things make me moody n there also my problem around especially my heart. How to lead my heart follow my way rather than follow my heart way? Im stuck at this point and i cant move forward n be mature at another stage. I think i need to find someone to talk n talk everything out so i wouldnt keep it in heart.

CNY record breaking!!!

Hi, Today is first day of CNY. Today event is normally father side relatives gathering. Since my 3rd Pat Liong stay at taman muda, so this year go there and gathering. Today i saw 2nd Gu Mah, 3rd Gu Mah, Siong biu goh and wife with kid, ping piu jeh with bf and Suk Suk with wife and childrens (total 4). Number of people gather become less and less year by year and the environment not so excited like few year past but nevertheless CNY able to meet them is consider happy and still know who they are compare to totally dont meet. So CNY what we do, GAMBLING!!! Wahaha. This year my mood in gambling also not very excited because normally i lose money one but this time, i just play few hours and just win RM 1 only. Good day. After that i bring my Sum Sum (My suk suk wife) with their children go Leisure Mall to walk.

When we reach there, not all shops open and quite boring. So we decided to watch movie. When we want to purchase the tickets, the show start just few minutes. So we quickly bought "All well end well" (Ka Yau Hei Xi 2009) tickets and just go in and watch. We still able to watch on time. Hehe.

The movie really nice and funny. The last part is really the same like old Ka Yau Hei Xi. The different is the people in there some is different only but the show still nice and funny. All the people there laugh very loud. Hehe. Good movie to see in CNY.

After watch movie, we go back to Pat Liong then about 6 something go home and move to next destination. Next destination is 3rd Yi Poh house. Then at there is my mother side retatives gathering. Almost saw most of the relatives, some still not around especially my Kau Fu, big Kau Fu at somewhere and small Kau Fu at Johor. We all enjoy eating and chit chatting together and laugh together. I like this kind of environment. hehe.

So today event just like that. So 2molo event will be continue next day. Happy Chinese New Year. For those read my blog must give me Ang Pow. Wahaha.

Open eyes.

When we are kids, things seem very simple and easy going. As we grow to be teenager, we see more things about the environment. When we grow adult, we see many things like society, relationship, the world and ourself. Life isn't easy and i know it but why life cannot be simple? My current condition is I seem to be look at myself.

Maybe i start to be selfish. I tend to compare myself with others although i know that they got talent and i dont have. How hardwork i do will not surpass them. Maybe myself not put enough effort on it. Relationship for me is simple. Love one another. I also feel jealous that people got girlfriend while they still study and not earn any money. Maybe they got secretly earn it, I dont know. I seem to run away from problem. I face many problem and I din face it with all my heart. Where my heart go? Where my motivation go? Where my stronghold? Where my principles? Many things i din put into heart as the result I dont know how to reach when problems come.

Isit my family get bullied easily? Yet i cant protect my family member from getting bullied by others. I still dont know many things and i seem din concern about it. Who am I actually? Why I dont have a good character attitude? How im going to do wise things, do the things right and do right things? Like a simple decision whether go or not go, i still cant decide and see the important about it. I really turn to be very bad, very selfish that i din care about others anymore other than myself. Things that i feel very weird i will reject it.

I really wan to run away from it like forget all my memory and start over again. Many times i saw people fall out from what they are fighting but i guess this time would be me giving up and drop off. How can I search back the meaning of my life as a child, student, friend or somebody?

Amazing Grace, the best song ever describe how God grace fall on us. God is great and mighty, as a christian, I feel like im not worthy to be his children. Im not talented in any way. I do many wrong things. I didn't keep in heart the verse in the book of life which is the bible. I waste many people effort on me. Can I stand up again? I dont know. As a committee, i should not write something discourage to others but im not a person that will share my personal things to others. Maybe i still have doubt in trusting people. Some i may share before but is just a little matter. I hope that nobody will care what i wrote because it surely not sound nice and not encouraging.

Sick jor.

What to do? i sick jor. Haiz. Just new year and fall sick. Need to take care of my health. If not, later back to school cant concentrate in study. This is my final sem and the last race i will run. Hope that i still able to cope all the studies after so call lazy+ing for 3 months time. So many activities happened recently because become committee already. Can say many things need to do. Im still not adapt to it. I need time to slowly growth.

FYP still not yet touch. Hopefully got inspiration from somewhere or something to make me move to do it. I dont wish to fail or get poor result. I want to bear good testimony to people around me including church friends. I already fail few things and i hope that for those coming things will be successfully done by me if the things is given to me.

Now still feel very sick, feel like wan to shut down myself but temptation arise (especially online and do nothing. haiz). House work still not yet done after my sister married and new year is coming. Need to clean house soon. Hope this year everyone will enjoy getting ang pow from relatives and have good time gathering with family members.

I want to be like my Father

This morning, i feel angry because i received a news that my sister husband treat my sister not good and want to divorce. So my parent will discuss with him during noon time and listen to what he had to say. At first after i listen it, i get angry and think of any reaction i will act if something bad happen like fighting. I think of many way to fight back if i could then it is about time to go to church for worship so i just go and worship on time.

After i think of many possibility, i try to pray to God and ask God how im going to act like a wise man when facing this. Today sermon, Mr Lian got mention 4 points about be completely humble and gentle, be patient and bear with one another with love. At first i dont quite understand how should i apply this 4 points in the situation that i might face until the time happen, my sister husband come and start discuss with my parent. Suddently a voice come from a wise man, my Father.

My Father explain and advise him that start a family is not easy. As a husband and wife, both must talk with one another their problem not just one party keep their problem alone and they must think about another two side feeling and not one side feeling. Somemore my sister pregnant and also must consider the baby as well. My Father also know that my sister husband not a rich man and consider poor person, just enough to survive and my Father explain to him that my Father own experience. My Father also poor at the begining and married my Mother, they also poor. What they do is just keep save money and bear with one another. Any problem will discuss with my Mother and my Mother also will discuss with my Father. My Father same the similar situation with my sister husband but my Father never scold or try to treat my Mother badly. But what my sister husband did is scold my sister, make her cry everytime my sister want to discuss something with him nicely and didn't care my sister feeling.

My Father continue and say he and my sister pak toh already long time and dont know each other well? If during that time my sister husband feel very difficult to get together then why not just break up and just end straight away. No need to continue suffer alone and want to be patient with u. At the end, my sister husband understand and try to change to treat my sister in good manner. Now their problem already solve. I really like my Father the way he talks. Although he keep repeating similar things but yet just to make sure my sister husband really understand.

For my understanding of my Father, my Father not a soft person, He also a hot temper person but when the time he give advise, i really amazed that suddently he talk in gentle and patient manner. He didnt get angry and i feel he really a wise man. Base on what my Father mention before, i understand that why a couple will break up. There are few possibility which is he or she might still selfish thinking on one side only, they might not discuss well their problem and cause many misunderstanding or because they really think that their partner is not suitable. Therefore, we cant really tell if a person is good or bad until we get along (pak toh) or some may be very best friend before they go furtuer.

I want to be like my Father. Now i understand the different between wise man and not wise man. Wise man will handle things in good manner and didn't easily get angry because of something compare to not wise person. I also understand that why im not mature because i havent reach the mature level even though i know how to handle something. About the feeling towards someone, now i think i really can put down. Since long time ago she already said she didn't like me until now. If she didn't like me, nvm, we still friend and bro and sis in Christ. If later she like me then i will feel happy as well but now i know she dont like me so i will let go so that if someone approach to her, she no need to consider whether will hurt me or not. Now i want to remove the barrier so that she also have chance to find her life partner that God plan for her and i also may find my life partner that God plan for me.