So downcast oh my soul

Today feel so downcast. This afternoon, i dream something that is im so happy together play with my beloved. I know i shouldn't dream something like that but it is good and happy moment. Maybe i dream a lot maybe one day fall into it. Last time my tuition teacher got mention that "We can dream marvelous things but don't let the dream master you". The moment i realize it, i feel so downcast because it wouldnt happen now and maybe wont happen forever. I understand that she will be in relationship someday and when i think about it, it really make me more downcast that im may or maybe not that person. If i had a chance, i wont let it go no matter what may happen. Unfortunately, i still have no chance or ability to do it.

Im a person who is sam fan jong yit dou(cantonese) means likely to change decision frequently. I wish that if i have a chance, i wont change my decision to love her and have a right heart to love her. I dont like to test a relationship. Relationship is a forever things. If a person unsure about who will be his life partner and try to find few people and start relationship to test which one is better, i would say to that person that u better not to do anything if you dont have a heart to only and the only one person. The action try relationship is like bao yi lai. Although that person invite them to go out to find out more about them, it show that that person really dont have the heart love to anyone. If my analysis is right, only if a girl really tell him that she got interest on him then only he will accept and start relationship.

I dont know whether there is love at first sight or not but i do believe in that. Haiz, it also useless because i just blog here and dont voice it out loud. Well, after all different people got different thinking. All i can do is hope that nothing harm will happen to my friend.

Christmas!!!

Another year of Christmas. I celebrate Christmas in Petra already 3 years. It is a celebration of our LORD Jesus Christ come to earth and born as human being to save us. Well every year, i wish to forget something or give up something and i did it again. I cant totally forget or give up. I really don't know how to behave like a wise man. I cant say my eyes temptation or what, everytime i saw her, i have new feeling or feel relieve. And now i understand that i'm a person who like to observe things but this is something weird to me, i keep on observe her and i feel relieve when i saw her and i know she is there. I really hope that everyday i can see her. Maybe this is what a part of song mention "I cant keep my eyes off you" i guess the lyrics correct or the other way round. I still like her always just like 3 years ago until now.

I know that i cant keep on like someone that i know she didn't like me. Maybe im really "fan jin" (cantonese). Love is blind, maybe i really blinded. LORD i really want you to teach me how to behave like a wise man. Now i just only observe her appearance then i feel satisfy already. I wish that one day, i will feel bored about it and will definately forget about her. If i still cant do it, i really dont know what i can do. Maybe I will try the hard way is confess to her and being totally reject to crush my heart into dust so it wont recover. I know that everytime she reject me, she also feel hurt but i hope that this final move i wont take or really didn't cause her feel hurt.

Now what i can do it just observe and think i cant have the hope of being together with her although how my heart feel deeply except she really told me before hand. I guess no girl will take action first. I wish her will have a wonderful and memorable christmas. I also wish all newcomer will discover the way, the truth and the life in Petra. I pray that all the committee and leader will not give up in learning the good way to serve one another, support one another to explore our talent in whatever things we do. In real time, i cant say to her once again. I just want to say that I really like her.

I Give Up.

I want to tell that i want to give up in loving someone. Those who know me will know who i like the most. I really hope that i can be with her forever but this hope cannot be realize. I struggle a lot because of the hope for a life partner, but it seems that it just a dream. Although it is sad to give up but what i can hope about it? Not to say that im a talent person or a good guy, she have no feeling toward me and i cant create it.

What i can observe already told me that i "MUST" give up. No turning back. If there got miracle, i will be happy but miracle seldom happen to a person like me. My life dont have much miracle happened. Just two miracle happened that i know, one is have good memory power and another is desire and strenght to make higher achievement. Both of it already no more. Just happened at the crusial moment and dissappear.

I know that God have a plan for God's children but i still dont know what God's plan for me. I also hope that my never give up desire will be remain on me. With that, i can work harder and harder to make my life become fruitful.

This year, 1st time become a committee. I dont have any idea what i should do. Committee about commitment to something and do it. I dont have commitment over something. Because of my family barrier, my ownself barrier and i havent earn my own money yet so many things i think i should do support but i cant. Just like as simple as baptize. I got mention to my parent, the result is "You are not mature enough, after you 35 years old then i will agree to let you get baptize". For my ownself barrier, my emotion, my bad habits (that i didn't read books and kids behaviour) and all my practice as a servant in my family also not all really can use it.

For example, eat time. Just to tell a little history of mine. My eating schedule is breakfast 6-8am, lunch 11-12pm and dinner is 5 - 7pm. 7pm and more consider late eat already. When i become regular at church. My lunch and dinner time got different already especially dinner time. After saturday, after clean up everything or have done some activities, normally fellowship dinner would around 8-9pm or 7pm. It is consider my siu yeh. Sunday after bible class, 1.30pm end and delay wait to gather people go lunch together about 2-3pm. So our lunch maybe around 3-4pm. Sometimes i question myself, what it mean that Christian should transform? Is this the transform? Maybe i get the idea wrong of Christian being transform.

Maybe this Christmas i will have a foolish wish. I wish that everyone is united, for those single will found their life partner, those student will have the desire to learn more in studies, those who work will enjoy their work and be able to serve the LORD, the Church will continue to ROCK (Reaching Others for Christ Kingdom) (the word ROCK also equavalent to PETRA) and last is i will regain my confident, my never give up desire and to be a better person.

Cant control anymore!!!

Im not an emotional person but when i read my frens blog. I really cant stand on it. How can a person promise something and fail to do it still can continue to repeat the same mistake over and over again and keep on being forgiven again and again. Although the bible teach us to forgive one another, in this condition who is the one who suffer a lot? The forgiver will feel the most suffer and forgiver will be dissappointed. Although im not in relationship, as for me, i really sympathy that that guy got illness and maybe need to going operation once more. What is important is not that make his behave sad but to have a good memory together with one another walk through the life until the end. If the guy planning dont want to make his behalf sad and want to break up so whatever happened to him, the impact not so great that effect the girl. I want to warn the guy that she will be more sad than still is ur girlfriend. Looking at the love one leave without able to do anything to support or help to gone through meaningful life together. You might think i watch too much movie and movie stuff cant apply to real life. Yes, those purposely make it funny movie i think it is meaningless but some movie really teach us how to reach when something happen. It is not just a make up story, the effect i think u can judge it urself.

It is not easy to start a relationship. I dont have the chance yet but im still able to give more or less advise if needed. I really hope that my frens wont feel sad anymore and will have a wonderful time together with her love 1. If it still feeling sad, maybe one day i might lose control to help even though it is non of my business. Why i do so? because i dont wish to saw my frens sad.

Words from inside

There is something i wish to know. I feel confuse lately. Something that i dont wish anymore seem like there is a hope of it. I want to know whether that hope is real or not. In the past, i wish to know more but since i cant therefore i give up. After i give up, it seem like another way round that i discover little by little. I still feel confuse about it. I do really wish to give up but why there seem hope about it. Why this things continue to happen? Why not just gone forever when it happened once. I really wish to find the answer but i dont dare to ask. I dont wish that something bad will happened and it keep happening again and again. I dont want to keep finding the way out from a deep maze. I wish i can know the way out. Whether the outcome that i will see something good or bad. Neither one happen i cant control it but at least i know and i hope the result will last forever so i wouldn't keep feeling confuse over it. It is easy for me to be trap in a maze than to get away from the maze. I really want to know the answer rather than let it be.

No longer....

I no longer have the united feelings. The feeling that will be my source of energy to keep moving forward. It happen when my body, heart, mind and spirit being united to do something. It could be childish thinking or being a naive person but i no longer can have it. My body over tired my mind, my mind over tired of my heart, my heart lazy to move my body. All like not functioning as one complete body. How could i correct myself to be more united? Work so hard this year and at the end it cause me exhaust. What do i really learned from this whole year? This year almost end and the feeling is like beginning of the year is just happened yesterday. I thought that time move very slow but now i realize that i cant catch up time anymore. Time going to be less and less, i still waste my time over and over again doing nothing that benefits others or benefits myself. Is this call beyond limit or i reach my limit? I feel like i cant hold on any longer. Feel like being isolated or move to another path. I no longer can support myself to reach the goal that i set. I really fall on the ground and cant stand up. I feel regret that i didnt walk the right path at the beginning to reach my destination of life.