In the most downcast moment...

I'm in the most downcast moment, the things that i fear the most is seperation. All the while I been hiding myself from many people that I really would like to have close relationship with one another. I really enjoy every single moment with the people I know but I didn't show it out so obviously.

After many years starting from my school time, many friend that I know already walk away from each other, some may still gather but some already lose contact. Some may give up on study and some may continue to further study. I know one day we all will be seperated therefore I would not want to consider anyone as best friends or close friend as I dont want to feel the sad moment of seperation. When people go away, I just consider that is a normal when I didn't really close with them.

Every person that I know is important to me, when I really know and decided to love a person and really want to commit in relationship, why all this thing happened that seperate each one of us into pieces. I dont have a chance to really convince her to accept me but ended up we been seperated. Although we may see each other but not as frequent as in the past.

I consider myself not to love anyone anymore but why suddenly my heart change and love the one that important to me. I dont want to face all this seperation again because of I being rejected. Why... I would like to keep this close relationship rather than to have all this kind of sadness but why...

Many important people already left and now I consider 4 persons is important to me now and i dont wish seperation would happen among us. If I can choose between half people left and half people remain or I go that all will remain together then I would choose I go that will keep everyone together. It would at least make me feel better and I will be alone as usual.

Now I feel God is not with me but when I think deeper, is my heart that move away from God than to continue to see anymore seperation happen among the people that I know, people who is important to me and people that I love. This is the real me.

I have nothing to say...

Really long time i didn't update my blog. Everytime i update sure some negative stuff and yes this time also the same but more worst.

Everytime when got people ask me a simple question "How are you?" and general respond is "Im fine. Thanks" or "Ok le.". I did reply something like that but in my heart i don't want to say I'm not ok. To be honest, i hate to answer that question because I really not ok at all and I don't know how to say out loud or complain about the problem.

Now I only understand a phrase "You cannot please God when you hate a brother". Yes, i did hate few brothers and I consider ex-communicate them. Due to their action and decision they made, the outcome it cause I really cant accept at all. Whatever I did, it didn't please God at all no matter how well or how good i can do it to help others.

This year family camp i really didn't plan to go because they got go and additional i really not enough money to support for this trip so it can be use as an excuse. Well i really cant afford to go.

Due to my financial issue, i also didn't feel like going Korea already because all my saving plan fail and no mood to do anything or go anywhere at all. But I will still go but with different mood.

Got people ask me many times "When are you going to baptize?" and everytime i will give excuse. I did try to go baptizm class but everytime sure fail one because of some family issues. Well this time i really decided to go for baptize at Korea. I really did what i want BUT sadly speaking after so many things happened and my problem with brothers still havent settle and i dont have any good testimony to share out. I don't feel like going to baptize and I don't feel like I'm christian and not worthy to be saved.

Whatever already happened and it cannot change back. All these thing happened under God control and I don't know his purpose of allow this to happened at all. Whether right or wrong, I have no right to question God. I really hope that God will reveal the answer and give some guidance to me on what should i do.

Sorry that I hide all this problem to myself for this long and didn't share at all. If you know me well, you will know I won't simply share such problem to anyone at all.

As a conclusion, I have nothing to say....

Parent Appreciation Day!!

Today I'm very happy to have dinner with family. My sister also got come for dinner after work. It's been a long time for me to have a dinner outside because most of the time go to church and hang out with my best friend. This dinner i really enjoy and I consider this as my parent appreciation day. Therefore, I didn't join the outreach night at church today. Hehe.

For the past few days, I received a gifts from my colleague who is getting marry this week. The picture below is the gift from her as a token of appreciation.

As you can see, the box is in love shape. When open that time i found "Food". Hehe is "Ferrero Rocher". That box can fit 6 Ferrero Rocher with a small note written:

Our Wedding

22nd May 2011

Cindy Lim & Clement Lee

this gift to you from our heart is

a little token of appreciation for

being part of our life.

No reciprocate gesture

of gift is required.

Such a nice gift from her (Cindy Lim) and when i ponder the box, i feel like not willing to eat the Ferrero Rocher because it decorate so nice. My my temptation to eat it very high. So at the end, I ate one. (TT_TT). So left 5 in my refrigerator. Just now i plan to eat one but when i open my frige, THERE IS NO MORE. (TT_TT).

There is another gift from another colleague to her. It is a tissue box made by clay (handmake).

It is very nice with some small flower. There is a message written there but i couldn't remember exactly.

That's all what I have to say. Enjoy "Parent appreciation day" with your love one.

Back to normal

After the bible quiz, i rest about 2 weeks playing games and watch movie. Now have to start enhance the Petra System to have new features such as background picture and sync program. The sync program is quite hard to do and need to do more research about it.

Other than that, I'm very headache preparing for youth camp gala night costume. Now still have no idea what to do and how to do it. Hopefully will be able to prepare something to bring the Gala Night event more excited.

Today....

Today as usual babysitting at home and cant go out to church. My mother sick already plus got 3 kids in the house so i just help to watch over them and accompany my sis son to sleep because he also sick too. Then while he already sleep, i try to use my PSP to check mail because carry my laptop seems not so convenient and the kid might not go to sleep and keep watching what im doing with my laptop. So i bring my PSP small and can hide while check email and browse internet.

Honestly speaking, browse webpage using PSP is not that good because it open very slow. Check email still ok but browse other will take some times (roughly 1-2 minutes maybe my Internet line slow gua). Then after i check mail, i try to watch youtube clips but sadly speaking unable to load the video (T_T). Nowadays all the webpage design with integrated so many plugins, codes, flashs, advertisement and etc which cause the loading very slow and consume a lot of bandwidth because of big file size webpage. So if we not using highspeed enough really need to wait very long in order to completely display the webpage.

Now I'm still considering few things to upgrade my stuff.
1) Change Handphone (due to my phone battery overcharge, keypad need to press hard, keypad light die off but still function well)
2) New laptop (due to my desktop consume some spaces, if possible buy one powerful laptop for myself to do video, graphic or do programming and my current laptop will be use by my parent to save space (^_^)V )
3) Subscribe unify (Need to move to new house only start to subscribe. Dont know available or not)

If possible i want to sell off my Gundam Model Collection because i really no interest in collection model anymore. Yesterday night went to time square for movie with one brother in christ. When i reach there i straight away go to Gundam shop and see any new gundam. Yes, it have, Strike Freedom Perfect Grade (RM 799.00 (^o^) WoW ) and many new Sangokuden gundam. But i feel no interest to buy even i afford it and in the end i just bought the new Gundam OO the movie RM9.90 (^_^). This is the first time Gundam VS Alien in the whole history of Gundam (What is that?????). Well the movie still bring some meaning.

Tomorrow is another day of babysitting. Haihz.....