In the most downcast moment...

I'm in the most downcast moment, the things that i fear the most is seperation. All the while I been hiding myself from many people that I really would like to have close relationship with one another. I really enjoy every single moment with the people I know but I didn't show it out so obviously.

After many years starting from my school time, many friend that I know already walk away from each other, some may still gather but some already lose contact. Some may give up on study and some may continue to further study. I know one day we all will be seperated therefore I would not want to consider anyone as best friends or close friend as I dont want to feel the sad moment of seperation. When people go away, I just consider that is a normal when I didn't really close with them.

Every person that I know is important to me, when I really know and decided to love a person and really want to commit in relationship, why all this thing happened that seperate each one of us into pieces. I dont have a chance to really convince her to accept me but ended up we been seperated. Although we may see each other but not as frequent as in the past.

I consider myself not to love anyone anymore but why suddenly my heart change and love the one that important to me. I dont want to face all this seperation again because of I being rejected. Why... I would like to keep this close relationship rather than to have all this kind of sadness but why...

Many important people already left and now I consider 4 persons is important to me now and i dont wish seperation would happen among us. If I can choose between half people left and half people remain or I go that all will remain together then I would choose I go that will keep everyone together. It would at least make me feel better and I will be alone as usual.

Now I feel God is not with me but when I think deeper, is my heart that move away from God than to continue to see anymore seperation happen among the people that I know, people who is important to me and people that I love. This is the real me.