Challenge

Again i been challenge by my family. Lately i always go out, for movie and majority for church. I really didn't help much in my family (Such as taking care of my sis kid). Then my mother will raise this question, always go to church, no need to care about family la? Last time, i always have this thinking, im not busy but my parent busy will involve me. Sometimes i think that if im gone then nobody will do the things anymore? All the while i been trained to be home base but seems like everything change since i serve in church. Sometimes i think that i better to settle this by giving up my service at church then i just back to my old life.

Well my christian brother's and sister's might think that im stubborn that the most important things is our soul but im not sure do they really know how it feels like? Like our hand, both side also fresh, one side get hurt, the hand will feel the pain. I do envy that those who have freedom to do what they want to do, not to consider about bad things, consider the things that not harm people and to help one another such as what we did at church.

All the time, i facing this challenge and i try to perservere but, i don't know how long i stand on this challenge. Maybe few more times, i will totally end my christian life. All the things i did is useless. I hope that no matter where i may be, either back to my old life or continue my christian life, my decision will be a correct decision.

My Fear

Long time didn't update anything, so just put some update on my blog. Last saturday was a full activities day for me, first is my relative wedding at Sungkai, Perak, second is my church Carnival, then my colleague organize skytrax at Putrajaya and finally one of my uni friend going to Brunei to work and have gathering/ farewell dinner. Among all the activities, i have no choice but have to follow my parent to my relative wedding dinner. Many things happen during carnival such as big prize like sony walkman mp3 player(Not clear the details) and 2 Ipod Nano to be win. Haha like usual good things not belong to me so i didnt have a chance to play and win.

During the wedding dinner, the table that i sat only got 8 peoples so i guess i have a chance to take more on sharkfin soup and yet i did eat for 3 bowls and make my stomach full. The rest of the dishes i just took little because i took 3 bowls of sharkfin soup.

The next day surely go to church for morning worship. As usual i late reach church. That time i feel really tired because saturday night i went home i still watch movie before sleep watch until 1pm. After the bible study just went for lunch with bro and sis in Christ at Cheras Leisure Mall nearby eat Thai food. Im not good at eating spicy food so i order Khao Pat Pattaya (Pattaya Fried Rice) and it taste not bad. The main receipies is tomato, egg, rice and fried rice recepies but i still tasted abit spicy. Haih. Who create this spicy food. I really cant take it.

This morning, i feel more tired but i still have to force myself to wake up and go to work. Suddently my stomach not feeling well and i having diarrhea. Too bad and i have to take MC and rest at home. I take this time to watch movie and rest to recover from my diarrhea. Long time i didnt sleep so much and think something that i never think of. I realize my fear while i sleeping. In the past, sometimes i will fear while sleeping and long time i never feel the same thing again until today. What i fear is I fear "I'm alone". Yes, i can say i have less fear but the greater fear of mine is lonely. I keep on thinking that what would i be when im lonely? the time when i parent pass away, what will happen and how im going to react after that? or all my relative all gone and left me alone? I really fear that i will be lonely that time. Although now i have all of them with me now but i know one day, they will not with me anymore.

I'm still very weak in thinking, in reacting and weak in become a mature and wise person. I still very naive in thinking and making decision. Sometimes i feel lost and sometimes i unable to find any solution on it. Christmas is coming and almost reach year end and new year. The group is going to depart and form another new group. I feel i want to participate in the Christmas sketch but i know myself that im not talented in it and might spoil the whole things. Why i have this feeling being abandon because im not involve in that sketch? Maybe also because im scare im lonely and left behind.

Well tomorrow need to back to work or else i cant finish the task given and cannot celebrate Christmas although i dont have money to celebrate this year. I hope that after this year, new year i will be more strong and brave in facing the future ahead me.

I wanna go to a place

I wanna to a place where I can say
That I'm all right and I'm staying there with you
I wanna know if there could be anyway
That there's no fight, and I'm safe and sound with you

And everytime I look,
I thought you were there,
But it was just my imagination
I don't see it anymore cause I see thru you now

Even now you still haven't noticed this quiet sky
I am always thinking of it, but I can no longer return to there

And I will always be awake in my heart, gently taking notice
That someday I will be able to see kindness

What's stopping me? I get stuck again
Is it really OK? It's never OK for me
What's got into me? I get lost again
Is it really OK? It's never going to be

And I will search harder to realize the things in front of my eyes
Even the wind's direction will surely change tomorrow
The wind whispers gently, the one that moves is the earth
Find the way and I will be able to see kindness

And every time I look,
I thought you were there,
But it was just my imagination
I don't see it anymore cause I see thru you now

I wanna go to a place where I can say
That I'm all right and I'm staying there with you

My heart will go on

Haha. So sudden my heart can feel already. It's already heart broken for many times but now i can feel already. Really wish to start to find life partner but somehow i dont dare to love. Everytimes seems to be fake feeling therefore even now i got feeling on someone, i dont dare to confess. My colleague got encourage me to do whatever I wish to do because life is short and we never know what will happen tomorrow. His words is truth. We never know when our life on earth end. We never know when God will take us go home. Time is near and we should appreciate everyday, everytime we have with one another. My desire to have life partner very strong, but i really dont dare to confess. Maybe she might not be the one God chosen for me. What i can do now is to keep my heart go on and let God lead me.

Some how i still thinking of giving up my life as a Christian because I really lazy to do things and i dont have the capability to make disciples. Im still questioning myself whether who am I and what i should do as a Christian. Even someone got say im sure God choose me to be his children and i also learn from the bible study and know the answer yet im still dump and questioning about my faith. I really long time didnt stop and think. I hope that my heart will go on.

I just think of this words (actually i dont remember the chapter and verse no (T_T)) while im writing this blog

Phi 3:13-14
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I do hope that i can keep on going to win the prize.

Mission Fail

Mission fail already. Too difficult and dont have the skill to do it. Haih.
After this i have to throw all my dream to the sea because only one ambition to follow that is take care of my sister son. I become kao fu already so have to be an example for him to follow. Really taihen desne.

Start Building Phone Bible with multi-language support

Recently got think of build my own phone bible application

Capability
- Support multi-language (currently apply to english first since i dont know how to read chinese. Will try to get support from others)
- Support multi-version (Hope can put all english version first and slowly enhance)
- List of book name at interface there (since the phone screen is small, probably will seperate to two pages)

Tools to develop
- Netbean 6.7.1

Since long time didnt do java programming and i forget how to do it. Dont know where to start and how to start. Take times to learn back. Haih.

Hope can successfully develop it..

My wish!!!!

I wish to see you everyday.