Rededication

Many times I have ignore what God want to tell me until the new year eve message from Brother Yow Looi, really open my mind that from the day I accepted Christ until now I have gone through so many things. At this moment, I realize that I'm in the process of facing this greatest trial that might decide I'm belong to Christ or not.

God allow everything that happened to me with a purpose to test my faith. He know that I'm able to handle this as in the Bible did mention that God would not put any trials that is greater than what you can handle. I'm still weak at the moment and I really want to rededicate myself to God and let Him take control of my life.

This is my prayer:
May Lord guide me to walk through this trials of mine and the result of this will make me a better person. Teach me to focus on God's word and be able to encourage one another as I have more responsibilities as a monitor in the SDC class and set aside relationship matter for God will provide everything to those who seek the Kingdom of God first. And the last thing is may I be able to decide to get baptize as a result of I'm belong to Christ.


May my prayer is acceptable to you Lord. Amen.


This Sunday I might not be able to fully join the morning worship until finish the SDC class as I need to help my mother in babysitting. May God open a way and will grant me 2 hours free to join SDC class to study God word.

This is what I wish for...

In the most downcast moment...

I'm in the most downcast moment, the things that i fear the most is seperation. All the while I been hiding myself from many people that I really would like to have close relationship with one another. I really enjoy every single moment with the people I know but I didn't show it out so obviously.

After many years starting from my school time, many friend that I know already walk away from each other, some may still gather but some already lose contact. Some may give up on study and some may continue to further study. I know one day we all will be seperated therefore I would not want to consider anyone as best friends or close friend as I dont want to feel the sad moment of seperation. When people go away, I just consider that is a normal when I didn't really close with them.

Every person that I know is important to me, when I really know and decided to love a person and really want to commit in relationship, why all this thing happened that seperate each one of us into pieces. I dont have a chance to really convince her to accept me but ended up we been seperated. Although we may see each other but not as frequent as in the past.

I consider myself not to love anyone anymore but why suddenly my heart change and love the one that important to me. I dont want to face all this seperation again because of I being rejected. Why... I would like to keep this close relationship rather than to have all this kind of sadness but why...

Many important people already left and now I consider 4 persons is important to me now and i dont wish seperation would happen among us. If I can choose between half people left and half people remain or I go that all will remain together then I would choose I go that will keep everyone together. It would at least make me feel better and I will be alone as usual.

Now I feel God is not with me but when I think deeper, is my heart that move away from God than to continue to see anymore seperation happen among the people that I know, people who is important to me and people that I love. This is the real me.

I have nothing to say...

Really long time i didn't update my blog. Everytime i update sure some negative stuff and yes this time also the same but more worst.

Everytime when got people ask me a simple question "How are you?" and general respond is "Im fine. Thanks" or "Ok le.". I did reply something like that but in my heart i don't want to say I'm not ok. To be honest, i hate to answer that question because I really not ok at all and I don't know how to say out loud or complain about the problem.

Now I only understand a phrase "You cannot please God when you hate a brother". Yes, i did hate few brothers and I consider ex-communicate them. Due to their action and decision they made, the outcome it cause I really cant accept at all. Whatever I did, it didn't please God at all no matter how well or how good i can do it to help others.

This year family camp i really didn't plan to go because they got go and additional i really not enough money to support for this trip so it can be use as an excuse. Well i really cant afford to go.

Due to my financial issue, i also didn't feel like going Korea already because all my saving plan fail and no mood to do anything or go anywhere at all. But I will still go but with different mood.

Got people ask me many times "When are you going to baptize?" and everytime i will give excuse. I did try to go baptizm class but everytime sure fail one because of some family issues. Well this time i really decided to go for baptize at Korea. I really did what i want BUT sadly speaking after so many things happened and my problem with brothers still havent settle and i dont have any good testimony to share out. I don't feel like going to baptize and I don't feel like I'm christian and not worthy to be saved.

Whatever already happened and it cannot change back. All these thing happened under God control and I don't know his purpose of allow this to happened at all. Whether right or wrong, I have no right to question God. I really hope that God will reveal the answer and give some guidance to me on what should i do.

Sorry that I hide all this problem to myself for this long and didn't share at all. If you know me well, you will know I won't simply share such problem to anyone at all.

As a conclusion, I have nothing to say....

Parent Appreciation Day!!

Today I'm very happy to have dinner with family. My sister also got come for dinner after work. It's been a long time for me to have a dinner outside because most of the time go to church and hang out with my best friend. This dinner i really enjoy and I consider this as my parent appreciation day. Therefore, I didn't join the outreach night at church today. Hehe.

For the past few days, I received a gifts from my colleague who is getting marry this week. The picture below is the gift from her as a token of appreciation.

As you can see, the box is in love shape. When open that time i found "Food". Hehe is "Ferrero Rocher". That box can fit 6 Ferrero Rocher with a small note written:

Our Wedding

22nd May 2011

Cindy Lim & Clement Lee

this gift to you from our heart is

a little token of appreciation for

being part of our life.

No reciprocate gesture

of gift is required.

Such a nice gift from her (Cindy Lim) and when i ponder the box, i feel like not willing to eat the Ferrero Rocher because it decorate so nice. My my temptation to eat it very high. So at the end, I ate one. (TT_TT). So left 5 in my refrigerator. Just now i plan to eat one but when i open my frige, THERE IS NO MORE. (TT_TT).

There is another gift from another colleague to her. It is a tissue box made by clay (handmake).

It is very nice with some small flower. There is a message written there but i couldn't remember exactly.

That's all what I have to say. Enjoy "Parent appreciation day" with your love one.

Back to normal

After the bible quiz, i rest about 2 weeks playing games and watch movie. Now have to start enhance the Petra System to have new features such as background picture and sync program. The sync program is quite hard to do and need to do more research about it.

Other than that, I'm very headache preparing for youth camp gala night costume. Now still have no idea what to do and how to do it. Hopefully will be able to prepare something to bring the Gala Night event more excited.

Today....

Today as usual babysitting at home and cant go out to church. My mother sick already plus got 3 kids in the house so i just help to watch over them and accompany my sis son to sleep because he also sick too. Then while he already sleep, i try to use my PSP to check mail because carry my laptop seems not so convenient and the kid might not go to sleep and keep watching what im doing with my laptop. So i bring my PSP small and can hide while check email and browse internet.

Honestly speaking, browse webpage using PSP is not that good because it open very slow. Check email still ok but browse other will take some times (roughly 1-2 minutes maybe my Internet line slow gua). Then after i check mail, i try to watch youtube clips but sadly speaking unable to load the video (T_T). Nowadays all the webpage design with integrated so many plugins, codes, flashs, advertisement and etc which cause the loading very slow and consume a lot of bandwidth because of big file size webpage. So if we not using highspeed enough really need to wait very long in order to completely display the webpage.

Now I'm still considering few things to upgrade my stuff.
1) Change Handphone (due to my phone battery overcharge, keypad need to press hard, keypad light die off but still function well)
2) New laptop (due to my desktop consume some spaces, if possible buy one powerful laptop for myself to do video, graphic or do programming and my current laptop will be use by my parent to save space (^_^)V )
3) Subscribe unify (Need to move to new house only start to subscribe. Dont know available or not)

If possible i want to sell off my Gundam Model Collection because i really no interest in collection model anymore. Yesterday night went to time square for movie with one brother in christ. When i reach there i straight away go to Gundam shop and see any new gundam. Yes, it have, Strike Freedom Perfect Grade (RM 799.00 (^o^) WoW ) and many new Sangokuden gundam. But i feel no interest to buy even i afford it and in the end i just bought the new Gundam OO the movie RM9.90 (^_^). This is the first time Gundam VS Alien in the whole history of Gundam (What is that?????). Well the movie still bring some meaning.

Tomorrow is another day of babysitting. Haihz.....

Year End!!

Time pass so fast. Since last year carolling until now already past one more year. This year is a meaningful year for me because there are different things happen in me and others. Many good and bad things we all went through this year and hopefully all the lesson we learn or experience will not forget and not repeat the same mistake again.

As for me, many trials to face such as family, work, friends and even myself. There are many responsibilities and decision have to make in order to survive or to continue to serve one another. I have fail many times to complete all this but really want to give thanks to God for HIS grace is sufficient for me and as my shepherd who teach me and guide me through the things i face. Without such support, I dont know what will happen now or where i will be.

I always believe that if God allow things to happen then it will happen as God will whether good or bad, there will be lesson to learn so that we can grow in maturity and spiritual growth. Christmas almost come and I have no time to prepare since now got 4 kids in the house. So as usual will help out to take care of them. Everyone also need to add oil in everything they do.

My Favourite: Psalm 23.

Relationship....

This is my personal experience and discovery about relationship between a man and a women.

Man wish to have relationship but once they have it they just dont care it/ appreciate it.
Women wish to have relationship and when they fell so much and appreciate it.

Many times we heard a couples will complain about their companion and they plan to change that person to be a perfect or to be suitable to them. But one thing i found that people heart cannot be change just like that. I heard so many times arguement and complain about how bad this person is but his/ her partner still never give up on that relationship even may concern about life and death. Taking an example, we might heart about people violating their partner, punish them or maybe torture them but they still wont give up the relationship that started. This happen especially to women.

I'm not saying there is no good man but women did show their faithfulness to their life partner but man didn't appreciate it at all. Man didn't many wrong things and unforgivable but no matter what women will show forgiveness and hope to change the man behaviour. In fact, man behaviour will never change. Their attitude will never change at all. They may change for temporary but ended up repeating the same mistake again and again.

Now I understand how difficult Moses job to bring God's people to the promise land where he predicted that God's people will surely forget about God.

So far, I haven't see people totallt 180 degree change/ transform themselve to a better person. I believe that God can change people heart but if that person really dont want to change it, it would not change at all. In everything we do, we must take initiative first then surely God will help us to improve ourselves to be a better person.

RM50

This is a story told by a cancer patient.

There is a rich man who organize an auction in a big hall. He invited everyone to go to this auction meeting. The meeting started once everyone invited is arrived. He begin by asking this question. "Today i will give out one RM50, who want this RM50 please raise up your hands!". All the guest after heard this everyone raise up their hand. Then the rich man take the RM50 and scrunch it into small round shape. He asked again. "I give out these RM50, who still want it?". 50% of the guest raise up their hand. Then the rich man throw the small round shape RM50 on the floor and step on it. The RM50 become more dirty. He ask one more time. "Now these RM50 is not in good form and dirty, anyone here still want it?". Only few people raise up their hand.

That is the end of the story.

What is the lesson of that story?
- Imagine ourself is the RM50. When we are perfect condition, everyone want to take it.
- When our condition become less perfect, half of the people want to take it.
- When our condition is totally bad, still got small amount of people want to take it.

The main lesson is we should live to the best of our life.
Do not under estimate a person who are suffering, that person still have his value and is the same value that can benefit others.

Like a cancer patient, they seems to be like the RM50 condition after being scrunch and become dirty, not much people will want to take it but his value is still RM50. Why not just take it and make use of it fully? For all these person gone through suffering, they know how to live their live fully by live their best for every single moment like everyday is their last day and they surely appreciate every moment and still able to give encouragement to people. We seems like far more perfect than cancer patient but why we cant live our best in our life?

All these answer should leave to yourselve to think and decide.

Completely fail...

Long time ago, i was a failure. In my childhood time, i fail so many times such as learn tek kwon do, learn crayon art, learn to calculate mathematics using the chinese calculator (suan pan), tuition and many more.

When i reach form 4, i do realize what is most important and able to encourage me to move forward and I did success. What i do and it will success such as persevere and commitment to attend tuition class without fail. Never give up and learn from mistake was my moto to encourage me to move on.

All the while i keep success and getting higher and higher success but all this doesn't mean anything to me now. Now i'm back to a failure situation. I fail to do what i want and wish to do, i fail to persevere, i fail to control myself and i fail to love.

All the while, i tought of learn to be advisor to encourage people but now i fail to do so. My heart, mind and soul doesn't seems to be united as i did last time during form 4. Now seems like fighting against one another. My heart feel so pain when I desire to love. I dont understand why people can't give up when they really love a person and now i did. I just feel the same way as they did. I do love but i dont know why i cant just give up and find another right person since i already rejected so many times. Why do other people so easily to get into relationship? How they do it and how they really found the right person? I dont have the answer.

Im turning back to my failure moment and i just feel like dont want to do anything and just stop the clock and be empty. I hardly move forward these day. Why i get involve in these at the beginning? Im not worthy at all. I completely fail.....

Henri = Zero

Lost Memories

Few days back, i was doing my room keeping (quite messy. Haih). So i start from my old recycle paper box and remove some old papers/books so that can fill new useful paper in. I discover so many paper that i use during my Form 6 and University time. Looking back at the work i did written in the paper reminds me back many moment that happen during University life. All the battle that went through with friends such as assignment, presentation, project and exam. Even i discover all my exam slip still there (^_^) Hehe...

So fast already one year pass after graduation and depart from school. Any progress in working life? Still the same and didn't earned much. So many responsibilities that need to take care when become an adult such as family members, work place and church. All this is just my training ground to make me a better person, like what my Sunday School Teacher tell us that this world is just a training ground for us to get us prepare to go to Heaven and now i really understand his mean. There are a lot of things to learn from a person experience and this is the way i learn things.

"Looking at the past memories to encourage us to move forward".
I hope that everyone will see their past memories (whether good or bad or even nothing significant) not to make them sad and emo but to really move forward and not repeat the mistake that done in the past.

"We can't change the past but we can change the future".
This is call HISTORY.

Song of Praise

Today I didn't go to church because I already make a promised with my cousin to attend his convocation ceremony at UCSI. So at first I was thinking that I'm gonna miss church again and feel a bit guilty and sad. When I was going there about 2pm something, I still feel that I'm guilty and go inside the hall and take a sit inside while waiting the ceremony to start.

One thing that surprise me that is the music they broadcast. I can't never imagine that they broadcast instrumental song that is very familiar, which is from the Song of Praise. At that moment, I feel very happy and amazed that how this can happen, at this kind of ceremony they broadcast this kind of music and I start to sing in my heart (but some i forget the lyrics (TT_TT)). At that very surprise moment, I feel that God still with me even though I'm not going to church to worship and I feel my surrounding is full with song like worshiping God at church.

When I think back, all the time, God is approaching me everywhere I go, when I'm not happy, God will be there and encourage me by anything that surrounding me. The Word of God, the Song of Praise and some inspiration moment surely will approach me. I really enjoy the moment that the music was broadcasting and I enjoy singing in my heart.

I really thankful that whatever I do and wherever I go, I can feel God present is there and will encourage me all the time. What I did is just quiet down myself and listen.

Quiet Moment

Long time I didn't enjoy sitting down, think and talk to myself what I wanted to do next.
Life become more and more meaningless, keep doing things for other. Really less time and almost reach 0 time for myself.

Very happy to know someone getting married. One of my classmate getting married soon on September and one of my Brother in Christ same age with me also going to married on that month. Just realize it whether it will crash my schedule or not. My friend wedding on Saturday so will go Bentong on Friday night, stay over and become Brother.

Feel like very lonely see people around getting their best partner to accompany. Although i already get use to is to be lonely and now have the same feeling like old time do everything by my own (so call lonely life).

Many things happened around me, nothing i can do much to encourage people because not enough skill and not experience enough to give words of encouragement. If got also just absorb from somewhere but never have face to face experience in it so will still lacking of understanding.

I hope that everyone will have a silent moment reflect back what they have done from the day they born until now. As for me, whatever things that i done in the past (got happy moment as well as the sky is falling down moment) will encourage myself to look forward for the things happen later.

P/S:
My tuition teacher always say. Life is always up down up down. This will make our life more meaningful rather than become constant straight line where we seem doing same things over and over again like a robot which dont have any feeling at all even though we paint it, kick it, cut it or destroy it.

Have a Quiet Moment!!!

Challenge

Again i been challenge by my family. Lately i always go out, for movie and majority for church. I really didn't help much in my family (Such as taking care of my sis kid). Then my mother will raise this question, always go to church, no need to care about family la? Last time, i always have this thinking, im not busy but my parent busy will involve me. Sometimes i think that if im gone then nobody will do the things anymore? All the while i been trained to be home base but seems like everything change since i serve in church. Sometimes i think that i better to settle this by giving up my service at church then i just back to my old life.

Well my christian brother's and sister's might think that im stubborn that the most important things is our soul but im not sure do they really know how it feels like? Like our hand, both side also fresh, one side get hurt, the hand will feel the pain. I do envy that those who have freedom to do what they want to do, not to consider about bad things, consider the things that not harm people and to help one another such as what we did at church.

All the time, i facing this challenge and i try to perservere but, i don't know how long i stand on this challenge. Maybe few more times, i will totally end my christian life. All the things i did is useless. I hope that no matter where i may be, either back to my old life or continue my christian life, my decision will be a correct decision.

My Fear

Long time didn't update anything, so just put some update on my blog. Last saturday was a full activities day for me, first is my relative wedding at Sungkai, Perak, second is my church Carnival, then my colleague organize skytrax at Putrajaya and finally one of my uni friend going to Brunei to work and have gathering/ farewell dinner. Among all the activities, i have no choice but have to follow my parent to my relative wedding dinner. Many things happen during carnival such as big prize like sony walkman mp3 player(Not clear the details) and 2 Ipod Nano to be win. Haha like usual good things not belong to me so i didnt have a chance to play and win.

During the wedding dinner, the table that i sat only got 8 peoples so i guess i have a chance to take more on sharkfin soup and yet i did eat for 3 bowls and make my stomach full. The rest of the dishes i just took little because i took 3 bowls of sharkfin soup.

The next day surely go to church for morning worship. As usual i late reach church. That time i feel really tired because saturday night i went home i still watch movie before sleep watch until 1pm. After the bible study just went for lunch with bro and sis in Christ at Cheras Leisure Mall nearby eat Thai food. Im not good at eating spicy food so i order Khao Pat Pattaya (Pattaya Fried Rice) and it taste not bad. The main receipies is tomato, egg, rice and fried rice recepies but i still tasted abit spicy. Haih. Who create this spicy food. I really cant take it.

This morning, i feel more tired but i still have to force myself to wake up and go to work. Suddently my stomach not feeling well and i having diarrhea. Too bad and i have to take MC and rest at home. I take this time to watch movie and rest to recover from my diarrhea. Long time i didnt sleep so much and think something that i never think of. I realize my fear while i sleeping. In the past, sometimes i will fear while sleeping and long time i never feel the same thing again until today. What i fear is I fear "I'm alone". Yes, i can say i have less fear but the greater fear of mine is lonely. I keep on thinking that what would i be when im lonely? the time when i parent pass away, what will happen and how im going to react after that? or all my relative all gone and left me alone? I really fear that i will be lonely that time. Although now i have all of them with me now but i know one day, they will not with me anymore.

I'm still very weak in thinking, in reacting and weak in become a mature and wise person. I still very naive in thinking and making decision. Sometimes i feel lost and sometimes i unable to find any solution on it. Christmas is coming and almost reach year end and new year. The group is going to depart and form another new group. I feel i want to participate in the Christmas sketch but i know myself that im not talented in it and might spoil the whole things. Why i have this feeling being abandon because im not involve in that sketch? Maybe also because im scare im lonely and left behind.

Well tomorrow need to back to work or else i cant finish the task given and cannot celebrate Christmas although i dont have money to celebrate this year. I hope that after this year, new year i will be more strong and brave in facing the future ahead me.

I wanna go to a place

I wanna to a place where I can say
That I'm all right and I'm staying there with you
I wanna know if there could be anyway
That there's no fight, and I'm safe and sound with you

And everytime I look,
I thought you were there,
But it was just my imagination
I don't see it anymore cause I see thru you now

Even now you still haven't noticed this quiet sky
I am always thinking of it, but I can no longer return to there

And I will always be awake in my heart, gently taking notice
That someday I will be able to see kindness

What's stopping me? I get stuck again
Is it really OK? It's never OK for me
What's got into me? I get lost again
Is it really OK? It's never going to be

And I will search harder to realize the things in front of my eyes
Even the wind's direction will surely change tomorrow
The wind whispers gently, the one that moves is the earth
Find the way and I will be able to see kindness

And every time I look,
I thought you were there,
But it was just my imagination
I don't see it anymore cause I see thru you now

I wanna go to a place where I can say
That I'm all right and I'm staying there with you

My heart will go on

Haha. So sudden my heart can feel already. It's already heart broken for many times but now i can feel already. Really wish to start to find life partner but somehow i dont dare to love. Everytimes seems to be fake feeling therefore even now i got feeling on someone, i dont dare to confess. My colleague got encourage me to do whatever I wish to do because life is short and we never know what will happen tomorrow. His words is truth. We never know when our life on earth end. We never know when God will take us go home. Time is near and we should appreciate everyday, everytime we have with one another. My desire to have life partner very strong, but i really dont dare to confess. Maybe she might not be the one God chosen for me. What i can do now is to keep my heart go on and let God lead me.

Some how i still thinking of giving up my life as a Christian because I really lazy to do things and i dont have the capability to make disciples. Im still questioning myself whether who am I and what i should do as a Christian. Even someone got say im sure God choose me to be his children and i also learn from the bible study and know the answer yet im still dump and questioning about my faith. I really long time didnt stop and think. I hope that my heart will go on.

I just think of this words (actually i dont remember the chapter and verse no (T_T)) while im writing this blog

Phi 3:13-14
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I do hope that i can keep on going to win the prize.

Mission Fail

Mission fail already. Too difficult and dont have the skill to do it. Haih.
After this i have to throw all my dream to the sea because only one ambition to follow that is take care of my sister son. I become kao fu already so have to be an example for him to follow. Really taihen desne.

Start Building Phone Bible with multi-language support

Recently got think of build my own phone bible application

Capability
- Support multi-language (currently apply to english first since i dont know how to read chinese. Will try to get support from others)
- Support multi-version (Hope can put all english version first and slowly enhance)
- List of book name at interface there (since the phone screen is small, probably will seperate to two pages)

Tools to develop
- Netbean 6.7.1

Since long time didnt do java programming and i forget how to do it. Dont know where to start and how to start. Take times to learn back. Haih.

Hope can successfully develop it..

My wish!!!!

I wish to see you everyday.